“Shadi Mubarak!”

To hear these two words, both the groom and the bride, along with their families, have to come a long way. I had been planning to write on this for a while now because there is a lot about this which is usually understood by the bride and the groom when they eventually move past the whole process.

Shadi (wedding) is a fun filled affair. From making the plans about the arrangements to accommodating the guests and finally experiencing the events – everything is ethereal. However the beginnings, especially when arranged by the families, can sometimes become extremely long and depressive. Most of the girls fall under severe depression when the guy’s family keep on coming and going without giving further sign of progress, making them feel “rejected”, “unwanted” or “ugly”. And as the process prolongs, this depression reaches another level of disappointment.

Shadi is one hot topic which is discussed amongst all the unmarried girls, especially in Pakistan for one reason or another. Primarily because we are raised with the notion of having our own home which will be given to us by our husband. Also, there are hundreds of things which we are not allowed to do as our mothers keep on reminding us to do them at our home. Although we are raised like princesses and our parents love us a lot, even then the thought of leaving our parents’ home is properly inculcated in our minds until the time comes when a girl feels absolutely ready to say good bye to her parents and start a new chapter of her life.

But with those never-ending “show-me-the-girl” tea sessions, which are usually arranged at the girls’ house, her frustration transforms into grave disappointment. She looses her interest in life and starts thinking if she is not likable enough.

Hence, my intent of writing this note is to mention the reasons which do not lead up to that hurraaaaahhhh moment when people greet you with a “Shadi Mubarak” and also to make girls feel better about themselves.

First of all, be assured, in Pakistan not only the girls but also the boys fail the wedding test many times. Hence, you are not alone. Being “Rejected” is a very bad feeling to have but you need to understand that you are not the reason for this. So please stop blaming yourself for the things that don’t happen in your imagined time.

One last thing I want to mention before penning down all the reasons as to why a marriage proposal doesn’t progress any further is that in the sub-continent (old terminology now but I just wanted to say Pakistan, India and Bangladesh in a go ad phew here I said it all :/ ) marriages happen via two ways. Either the girl and the boy arrange it for themselves (love) or seek their parents/elders help to find them a match (arranged).

Probability of “Love” marriage is still low here because of the vested family structure we have. Parents want to be involved. Plus even if parents ask their kids to find a match for themselves, not all of them are able to find one. Yes, you heard me right. I know many families where the parents told their daughters to find a suitable guy for themselves and they will have no issue arranging their marriage but the girls just couldn’t find anyone or may be it never got any further then the plain friendship.

So when it comes to getting your marriage arranged, the first step is very nerve-itching. Sometimes it takes years to find Mr. Right or Ms. Right and during this time period, many girls lose their self-esteem and feel very low about themselves – which should not have been the case. So I’m going to write about the reasons which doesn’t allow a proposal to progress. So if the guy’s family has not returned back with a ‘yes’, one of this might have had happened:

1- They didn’t find the girl’s family a suitable financial match. This doesn’t necessarily means that the guy’s family is greedy – the plain meaning is that even if they are poor and they have happened to visit a financially strong family then they wouldn’t want to go ahead and make the girl feel any miserable for the rest of her life. They will not come back saying that they found themselves financially poor. This is equally true when the guy’s family is financially very strong and they go somewhere where they don’t see a match. Trust me in this case, girls are not the reason. But irony is, the girls will always blame themselves.

2- Most of the times a guy never comes along his family on the first visit and their family know well about the guy, his physical and mental compatibilities etc. So when they see the girl, they might not have any problem with the girl but they wouldn’t imagine the two being fit together in their own thoughts and imagination. Even in this case, they wouldn’t have any problem with the girl but the poor soul will keep on thinking about the flaws and will get depressed.

3- They will not like the girl despite liking the family. This is a rare case though but irony is, the girls will always and always consider this to be the ONLY reason for the proposals which doesn’t materialize. Also, by not liking the girl doesn’t mean that the girl is flawed. It means that they have a stupid wish list which, in most of the cases, cannot guarantee a happy life of their son either but no, they won’t understand this.

4- They liked the girl but found the family suspicious. It’s either the girl’s mother or father they would have some discomfort with.

5- The house is too far away! Most of the match-makers give a mis-guided residential address of the girl, making it at an imaginary location which is only 5-minutes drive away from the guy’s house. Sometimes the traffic, getting lost on the way, finding the place too far away simply start the whole thing on a bad note. The guy’s family is generally off even before they enter the girl’s house. This is plain bad luck.

6- There are many ifs-and-buts happening at guy’s place. Most of the times, a little conflict here and there amongst the guy’s family don’t allow them to put behind the sad part of their life and take this wedding on a fair note. Trust me it is very much possible that a minute before leaving the house, the guy’s father has said something (totally unrelated to the girl) to his wife which has deeply upset her. Or your to-be-sister-in-law had an argument with her mother that totally killed the mood. In such cases, the family is generally having a bad day and this has nothing to do with you or your family but unfortunately, on such days, nothing seems to be happening in the positive direction.

7- The guy’s family is window-shopping. The guy is already involved with someone and the family is influencing him to become a part of this “arranged marriage” rat race. OR, the guy is pressurizing his family to get him married whilst the parents are of the view that his sister should be married first. And in order to silence the guy, they would start the parade without even feeling any real desire to get him hooked. Trust me, you never want to become a part of such a messed up family. It’s a blessing they don’t call you.

I can come up with ten more reasons just to prove to the girls (who are really disappointed) that they are NOT the sole reason for the things not moving in their direction. I know it is painful and extremely heart-wrenching phase but you need to remember that you are a beautiful person inside out and there is NOBODY in this world who is prettier or better than you.

It is just about the timings. You can pray for this time to come soon but please do not kill yourself for anything which is not meant to happen. Have empathy with the guy’s family as well. This whole idea of arranged marriage is very exhausting for both the girl and the guy.

I really want to help girls gain back their self-esteem and feel great about themselves because if they are still trapped in there – this beautiful life, which is happening on daily basis, will not remain beautiful to them anymore and this is the worst you can do to yourself.

Enjoy life – because it comes with an expiry date!