I really am short of words in writing this blog about 2020. It may be a long post but it may still not be sufficient for me to unwind completely.

I’m writing after ages. Writing had always been my passion. It makes me feel good…. I have missed writing so yeah, this one post is a BIG DEAL for me, Secondly, this post is not about what I think or how I feel – it’s about what actually happened with me over this past year. A flashback, a memoir – a wrap!

Lastly, a lot has happened in this past year…. a lot that I could handle or absorb at first place. Our world changed for ever in 2020. It changed for almost all of us. It wasn’t a happy year – it was mostly sad for many -and for the rest, well, it allowed them to slow down and even pause. They should be merrier for given the chance to sit back and re-think their life !

When 2020 began, it started as a normal year. My mother had been diagnosed with blood cancer a few months earlier. Since the beginning, it was on the cards for me to travel back to Pakistan and be with her. In February, doctors were hopeful that she might survive this. So when I was making plans to visit her, I was actually happy that I would see my ami again in a healthy and better condition.

I reached Pakistan on 27th February, 2020 and 26th February, 2020 was the day when the first Corona case was officially announced in Pakistan. Our flight was very normal. I was traveling in a normal world for the last time I guess. We had heard of Corona, but we thought that China was too far away. It won’t reach us…. but it did – really!

My mother returned on the 3rd of March, 2020 from the hospital after finishing her treatment. She celebrated her 62nd birthday on the 21st of March, 2020. It was a very simple affair but we just wanted to cheer her up. There is no doubt that she was not the same person I had known my entire life. She had changed and had lost interest in many things – but it was very obvious that she had not given up on living. She wanted to live. Although she was cancer-free but deep down inside her, she knew something was not right.

I didn’t meet a lot of my friends due to Covid. Plus, Ami was a high risk patient. So I decided to keep it low as I wanted to spend most of my time with her. I was supposed to travel back on the 24th of March, 2020 – that’s my birthday btw. So a couple of days earlier, I invited my family to my place for a casual dinner and Ami brought my birthday cake and insisted that I cut it for her. Little did I know that this was my last birthday with my mother.

Just two days before my flight, the Prime Minister of Pakistan closed the airspace for all sorts of travelling. And that’s when things became pretty messed up. I’m glad that my flight got cancelled – now that I look back. Because, from over the surface Ami was fine in March. But her situation was deteriorating. I remember complaining about my flight cancellation and she said that it had happened for the better.

Ami started losing her health from the last week of April. She was bed ridden for two weeks and died on the 14th of May, 2020. This was the first time ever I had seen death this close. I have no words what it was like. I’m still not at terms with many parts of it.

Ami’s death has reshaped my perspective about life. My mother knew that she was dying, so she told us whatever she wanted us to take note/care off. She distributed all her belongings with her own hands. When she passed away, her slate was pretty much clean. She had nothing to say. Yet, I won’t ever wish for anyone to die like this….when knowing that this may happen to a person and then (s)he closes every door with their own hands.

Anyway, I stayed in Pakistan for 5 months. My flight kept getting cancelled. It was frustrating especially after she died. Just two weeks after her death, a plane crashed while flying from Lahore to Karachi. Approximately 100 people died on that plane. And many families suffered a loss which was irreparable. That incident made me realize the pain of death one more time. I had a roller coaster ride of emotions and nothing seemed to be healing my soul.

I left Pakistan on July 2nd, 2020. By then, 200,000 people were infected with the virus. Upon reaching here, we quarantined at a hotel for two weeks. With two, under 5 years old, kids I thought it might be a marathon. But kids were really sober – beyond my imagination. I actually took this time as a gift. It helped me to unwind myself. Trip to Pakistan was extremely heavy. Many things were happening for the first time. I got finally a piece of my peace back when I came home 14 days later.

Home has this magical power of healing our wounds. It relieves us, tells us that things will get better. My life started picking up gradually. Young kids and huge responsibilities ushered me to go back on track one more time. It’s like life is giving us a chance to stand up, dress up and show up.

I miss my ami a lot. I do that all the time. I’m not that same person I was at the beginning of this year. And I’m quite sure that many of us have moved through eons during 2020. It had sufferings and pains, limitations and huge burden on soul. I do not know what future beholds for all of us. But this year, will always be the heaviest on my heart.

Having said that, I also believe in life – and the essence of it. I really hope and pray that the new year brings health and happiness to all of us.

Until next time, xoxo!